


Love of my life

by Side_effect_of_the_meds



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-07-28 11:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20063605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Side_effect_of_the_meds/pseuds/Side_effect_of_the_meds
Summary: Andrew and Neil are dead and this was the single most painful thing I've ever written in my life.Aug. 4, 2019- School starts in a week for me. It's my senior year of high school and I really need to get it together. I'm trying to binge write the rest fo the story, so I apologize if the quality of the content drops (Can't drop too far since it's already so bad lol)





	1. You've hurt me

Two framed jerseys hang in Kevin’s office. They hang side by side at his back. Beneath them a pair of exy raqcuets had been anchored to the wall, crossing one another. Most days, Kevin didn’t see them, quite a feat considering that the orange was so bright that some claimed it could be seen from space. Maybe it was because he had too many things on his mind. Piles of paperwork and a constantly buzzing phone lent themselves readily to that theory. His coworker and co-coach, Jeremy Knox, had another theory. 

“I don’t think he wants to see them,” he told Thea as they sat in the stands of the empty Trojans stadium. Thea stared blankly at the empty court. “How is he? At home, I mean.” 

“Is he ever home?” she asked. “You see my husband more than I do.” 

“And you, mine,” Jeremy replied. His joke managed to coax a small smile from her lips, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. Jeremy was one of the few people to see Thea’s true smile. It had been years since he’d seen it. For once, his optimism failed him. He began to truly fear that he would never see it again. 

Jeremy would never see Neil Josten’s true smile again. Not in the flesh, at least. It had been a brilliant thing, Neil’s smile. It was so bright that it could have lit up the entire stadium on its own. When Neil smiled his true smile, his ice blue eyes thawed. Every one of his blindingly white teeth would be put on full display. It had sat skewed and lospided across his face. Jeremey’s chest ached at the memory of watching a small blond man trying to kiss the smile off Neil’s face. Neil’s smile had grown impossibly wider as he held his hands up to his own cheeks. 

“Dammit, Drew! My face already hurts from smiling so much. What are you trying to do? Kill me?” Neil had said with a laugh. The man returned Neil’s smile with one of his own. It was a sharp and cruel thing that curled the end of his lips, exposing his tar stained teeth. Neil had pressed their foreheads together, giggling and cooing softly to Andrew in German. Neil hadn’t drank any alcohol that night, but he seemed drunk enough without it. 

It felt like another lifetime to Jeremy. In a way, it had been. Jeremy’s life had been split into three distinct parts: life before Neil; life with him; and, now, life without him. It had been three months, two weeks, and four days since Neil Josten had taken his own life. It had been years before Kevin, Jean, and Neil had told Jeremy the truth about Riko and the Moriyamas in their entirety. Knowing what Neil had gone through to stay alive had only made his death all the more tragic. 

“A broken heart can not beat,” Kevin had said as he sat on the couch in his office with Jeremy. The white-knuckled grip he’d been maintaining on the bottle gave way. Cracks shot across the surface of the bottle from the point of impact. Kevin seemed unmoved by the distinct sound of the glass fracturing. Instead, he continued to focus on a point on the back wall. That night, Kevin cried himself to sleep there in the office. Jeremy knocked out beside him soon after. When he woke late the next afternoon, he had found Minyard and Josten’s Fox jersey’s hanging where Kevin had been staring last night. He got up to inspect the cases and found that the glass protecting them had been signed by each man respectively. Beneath their signatures were dates. After some quick math, Jeremy realized that they were their graduation dates. Two racquets rested against the wall beside a toolbox. Brown wrapping paper lay strewn across Kevin’s desk. An opened letter lay amongst them. 

_ Dear Kevin, _

_ It has recently come to light that Neil and Andrew both had wills. Neil’s left you with their jerseys. Andrew left you both their racquets. There is so much that we want to write to you, but there is not enough paper in the world to cover it. There is so much that we want to say to you, but there are not enough words in the world to cover it. All we can do is offer our sincerest of condolences. We understand if you can’t attend the funeral. He will too.  _

_ Lots of love, _

_ Danielle Boyd-Wilds & all your foxes _

_ P.P.S. _

_ We are here for you Kevin. Please, please come to us if you need anything. We will  **never** turn you away.  _


	2. You've broken my heart

Kevin had attended the funeral, dry-eyed and sober. Thea had walked him on stage and stood by his side through the eulogy that Kevin insisted he deliver on his own. The eulogy read as follows:

“Neil Abram Josten was a liar and a bastard. He was a coward who knew how to pick fights, but not how to finish them. He was an absolute idiot and, in the words of the late Andrew Minyard, a ‘junkie chasing a high, consequences be damned’. Neil Abram Josten was more of a brother to me than Riko ever was. 

"Funerals are not a mourning of a death. They are a celebration of life. I, however, can not stand before you and plaster a smile to my face. I can count the people I love on one hand alone. As of last week, three of them are dead. David Wymack: my idol, my coach, my father. Andrew Minyard: my teammate, my savior, my dearest of friends. Neil Josten joins them now in heaven, where he belongs. No, Neil wasn’t a saint. He was only human. 

"Humans are such terrible things, aren’t they? For as long as we have existed, we have only caused harm to the Earth, to one another, and to ourselves. We burn down swaths of land and leave the creatures that once lived there without a home. We build fences and squabble over land and livestock. We make war and take lives as if they mean nothing. It is not hard to lose one’s faith in God when one looks too carefully at the squalor we live in. Living at Evermore, I believed that life was some cruel joke He was playing on me. I spent my life in the belly of Evermore, beaten black and blue, day and night. My life there was barely even a life at all. God is undoubtedly cruel, but He is not entirely heartless. How do I know? Because He gave me Neil.

"There is no doubt in my mind that Neil Josten was the bravest man I’ve ever met. It’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity, they say. Most days, he stood straddling that line. There were so many things in life that Neil was afraid of. He feared his father and his father’s men. He feared Riko and his retribution. He feared failure and what it might mean for his career. None of it ever stopped him. Nathaniel Wesninski spent half his life running. Neil took a stand for every time Nathaniel couldn’t. Of course, he did, he’d spat in the face of death and lived to tell the tale. When Neil came home from Baltimore, I’d asked him how he’d done it. Neil had just smiled and shrugged. “When I die, it’ll be on my own terms,” he said. 

"Today, it is not Neil’s death that I mourn, for he went exactly as he said he would. No, today I mourn that I was not there for him when he needed me the most. Neil and Andrew have always had my back. I was so used to leaning on the two of them that once Andrew was gone, I fell. Thea, Jeremy, and Jean helped me piece myself back together. By the time, I had everything back in order, Neil was too far gone. Neil never let anyone in. It had taken him quite a while to accept the Foxes as home, but even then there were walls he refused to tear down. Andrew and I were the only people Neil had ever truly let in. With Andrew gone, I should have known that he wouldn’t let the others in. I should have been there to pick him up and dust him off the way he had always done for me. 

"Today I mourn the greatest failure of my life. (As Kevin said this his voice broke. Tears ran down his face in great cascading falls.) Andrew, I am so sorry. You made me promise that I would take care of Neil and I failed you. You who have never once failed me. You who never broke a single promise to me. I know you did not believe in regret before, but I fear that you might now.”

Kevin’s legs gave out from beneath him, and the speech was left at that. Thea and Jeremy helped the sobbing man off the stage. Kevin returned to work the next day, despite everyone’s protests. Their protests came to a grinding halt as they realized that keeping him distracted was better than leaving him to wallow in his sorrow. 


	3. And now you leave me

Neil’s suicide had occurred just short of a year after Andrew Minyard lost his battle to throat cancer. Upon the announcement of Andrew’s condition, Neil had taken an indefinite leave of absence from the Chicago Wildcats and simply disappeared. Fans everywhere were distraught. The rabid obsession with the Josten/Minyard rivalry had long since surpassed the mania of the fans of The Sons of Exy. Neil’s sudden drop from public view was received worse than the news of Kevin’s broken arm. It wasn’t until two months later that he returned, the ailing Andrew Minyard by his side.  
“Fans everywhere were heartbroken by the news of Andrew’s conditions. You dropping away from the public view only shattered their hearts. Is there anything you want to say to your fans?” the interviewer asked. Neil, being Neil, did what he always did.  
“What is it you want from me? An apology? Don’t hold your breath because you won’t get one. I’ve made it clear from the start: I play for myself. Right now, the love of my goddamn life is dying, so yeah, I’m taking time off work so I can be by his side. Every single one of you knows who Nathaniel Wesninski was. He was the son of the Butcher of Baltimore. He was a killer and a coward.  
“But do you know who Andrew Minyard is? He’s the man that looked at Nathaniel and saw Neil. He’s the man that gave him a key and called it home. He’s the man that looked at the mafia- the motherf****ng mafia- and promised to protect him. He’s the man that finally convinced him to stay. Andrew Minyard is the man I love and maybe,” Neil said as he got down on one knee, “just maybe he’ll marry me.” The live audience had been in a frenzy since Neil had said the words ‘love of my goddamn life’, but that was nothing next to their cheers as the light flashed of the simple gold band.  
“1000%,” Andrew croaked. For once, his mask of apathy had slipped aside. His hazel eyes were soft and his shoulders sagged.  
“Is that a yes?” Neil asked.  
“It’s always yes with you, junkie.”  
“Except when it’s no,” Neil sobbed as he recalled the conversation they had had on the roof so many years ago.

\---  
Neil had sunk most of his father’s remaining blood money into the engagement ring. What remained went towards the wedding. Palmetto State offered them the court as the venue free of charge. All told, it was a relatively small affair.  
Kevin had been chosen as Neil’s best man. Matt, Dan, and Allison made up the rest of his entourage. Aaron stood as his twin’s best man with Nicky, Erik, and Renee as the rest of Andrew’s retinue. Bee and Matt gave Andrew and Neil away respectively. Jean had been the one to ordain the marriage (he had gotten registered years ago for Kevin’s). Sir and King had made finicky ring bearers, but it didn’t matter. The sight of the cats running around and wreaking havoc on the court was enough to make Andrew laugh. Everyone had heard Aaron laugh, but hearing Andrew’s was a special kind of blessing. It wasn’t like his brother’s, light and carefree. Instead, it was a harsh sound that rang through the court. No one quite minded. They were all just so happy to see him happy.  
At the reception, Matt’s mother gave Andrew a bone-crushing hug and thanked him for helping Matt for possibly the thousandth time. Matt made an empty threat about fighting Andrew if he hurt Neil, and for once Andrew gave him the barest hint of a smile. Neither Neil nor Andrew remembered much after that. They had been too busy stealing little kisses from one another and holding hands beneath the table.  
Neil and Andrew had left that night for their honeymoon. They drove up to the cabin in the mountains they’d shared with the foxes following Neil’s return from Baltimore. They didn’t need all that space. They just wanted the memories. The two of them shared the same bed they’d shared all those years ago. They mixed drinks in the kitchen and sat in the hot tub, while Neil talked endlessly about their time with the foxes. Neil had always had a hard time keeping his mouth shut. He knew this was all too good to be true. Nothing this good could last long. He was right.  
On the third day of their honeymoon, Andrew Joseph Minyard died. He had been 37 years old.


	4. Bring it back, bring it back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels like a longer chapter. I'm sorry if it is. It skips around a bit too :))))))))

Forty-eight hours was all it took for the foxes to gather. Foxes from Neil’s first year to fifth arrived at the Walker house to show their support. Jeremy and Jean Knox and a few of the other Trojans flew in as well. Renee apologized quietly to Allison for her original misgivings about investing in such a large home. Money was exchanged, but for once the Foxes took no joy in their betting.

Kevin, Thea, and Amalia had been the first to arrive. Neil had been curled up on the couch since he’d stumbled into the Walker house thirteen hours earlier. When he heard Kevin’s voice, he’d shot out of his seat and ran faster than ever before. Rounding the corner, he’d caught a glimpse of Kevin standing in the entrance hall with the Renee and Allison. He charged full speed into Kevin’s waiting arms and clung to his shirt like a child. Kevin reeked of vodka, but the smell was oddly comforting. 

Kevin had picked Neil up and taken him back upstairs. He sat Neil back on the couch and curled up beside him. Neil buried his face in Kevin’s neck and lay there. Waves of nostalgia washed over him. Back at Palmetto, there had been many a time when Neil’s nightmares had gotten too much for him to bear. There had also been nights when Andrew’s own demons prevented him from helping Neil. On those nights, Kevin would let Neil lay in his bed. He would pull Neil close, resting his chin atop Neil’s head. There were a lot of things people didn’t know about Kevin Day. One of them was that he had a singing voice that rivaled that of an angel. 

Nothing in the world had the same effect on Neil as the sound of Kevin singing. His voice had always easily undone the knots in Neil’s chest and evened out his ragged breathing. In the weeks leading up to Kevin’s graduation, Kevin and Andrew had disappeared together fairly often. It had made Neil incredibly lonely. He was used to being the one they kept secrets with, not from. Jealousy wasn’t a feeling that Neil felt often, but in those few weeks, he became well acquainted with it. Neil had his father’s temper, and it made more than one appearance in front of Wymack and the rest of the Foxes. The night before Kevin’s graduation, neither he nor Andrew were in the dorms. Neil’s loneliness had gotten so bad that he had caved and skyped Nicky. 

When Nicky had asked where Kevin and Andrew were, Neil finally burst out crying. His senseless babbling was incomprehensible. It had been so loud that the door had been flung wide open to reveal Aaron. Fury was written across his features until he saw the tears streaming down Neil’s face. He ended the call with Nicky unceremoniously and shoved a box of tissues into Neil’s hands. He sat on Kevin’s bed, waiting for Neil to collect himself. Neither of them spoke after he had. Instead, Aaron had gotten up and motioned for Neil to follow him. He left Neil standing in the sitting room and disappeared back to his own room. A bottle of his best whiskey and his PlayStation were in hand when he returned. Half a bottle later, Aaron’s drunken laughter rang through the room as he beat Neil at Tekken. 

“I let you win,” Neil slurred as he kicked at Aaron. 

“Four times in a row?” Aaron asked, kicking back. Neil leaned back out of Aaron’s reach. The whiskey had gotten to Neil’s head and Aaron could see it in his lazy smile. He knew a similar one had plastered itself onto his face. Aaron was suddenly hit with the realization that he smiled a lot more when he was with Neil these days, and not just when they were drunk. 

Somewhere along the lines in the last two years, he’d found himself growing much closer to his brother’s boyfriend than he had ever intended to. He didn’t know when it happened or even started. Maybe it was when he realized that they both fled to the library when they got in a fight with Andrew. Maybe it was when Neil had started helping him cram for his calculus tests. Maybe it was when Neil finally let himself get dragged out onto the dancefloor at Eden’s, all the while sending Aaron glances filled with anguish while Nicky whirled him across the floor. 

The thoughts were knocked out of Aaron’s mind as something hit his leg. Snapping back to reality, Aaron realized that Neil had kicked him again. This time Aaron got up to hit Neil. Neil caught his hand and kicked Aaron’s legs out from under him. Aaron toppled onto Neil and they fell in a heap onto the floor together. Aaron’s laughter once again filled the room, joined then by the slurred curses of Neil. The locks clicked and the door opened. Kevin and Andrew walked in. Aaron’s laughter died in his throat at the sight of his brother. Neil’s curses stopped too. 

Aaron had picked his things up silently and headed back to his own room. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Neil head back into the bedroom without a word to either Kevin or Andrew. Andrew’s hazel eyes were dark as he watched Aaron leave. 

At Kevin’s graduation, Aaron sat beside his brother. Neil stood off to the side, arguing with Jack. Aaron’s legs bounced violently as he sat with Andrew. Since their joint therapy sessions had begun, their relationship had been slowly but surely started healing. Last night, however, might have been enough to undo it all. Aaron drunk and alone with his twin’s equally drunk lover? Despite his sexuality, the situation didn’t look good. A hand planted itself on Aaron’s bouncing leg. He felt his heart drop to his stomach. 

“Stop,” Andrew said. 

“Andrew, about last nigh-” Aaron began. 

“Nothing happened last night,” Andrew said as he took his hand away. His eyes were trained steadily on the stage. “I trust you.” Aaron let himself sag against the back of the chair, relieved. 

Neil came to sit beside Andrew as the ceremony started, but neither of them spoke. Tension radiated off the pair of them. Even Andrew’s apathetic facade was cracking. As Neil had taken his seat, Andrew’s hands had balled into fists. Aaron carefully laid a hand over his brother’s. Andrew had immediately uncurled the fist in favor of taking Aaron’s hand. He proceeded to spend the next two hours using it as a stress ball. It took everything Aaron had not to scream. 

As the ceremony finished, Kevin bounded over to them. Drawing closer, Aaron saw Kevin’s brows knitting together at the sight of Neil. He caught hold of Neil’s shoulder. Neil shoved him off. 

“Leave me alone,” he snapped. “Shouldn’t be a problem for you seeing as it’s all you’ve done this last month.” 

“Neil,” Kevin pleaded. 

“I don’t want to hear it.” Neil’s eyes were cold and hard. Aaron had never met Nathan Wesninski, but he imagined that he looked a lot like Neil did now. Andrew caught Neil’s hand and pressed something into it before Neil could pull away. He grabbed Kevin and the pair of them headed for Coach and Abby. Neil opened his hand to reveal an MP3 player. He cast a confused glance over at Aaron. Sticking the earbuds in, he pressed a few buttons on the device. 

It wasn’t long before the music started piping through the headphones. Aaron could hear the soft thudding of the bass from where he stood, but he couldn’t quite place the murmuring voice he heard. The effect it had on Neil was something Aaron would never forget. Every one of Neil’s walls crumbled and fell away. Tears shone in Neil’s eyes as he clasped his hand over his trembling lips. He turned and ran, crashing full force into Kevin. Tear stains marred Kevin’s grad robes, but he didn’t seem to mind. He pulled Neil in for a fierce hug. He leaned down to speak quietly to Neil and suddenly Kevin was crying too. They posed for photos teary-eyed, clinging to each other like their lives depended on it. 

A few years later, Aaron would find out that Andrew and Kevin had been disappearing to a recording studio in Reddin. Kevin had been singing covers and writing his own songs for Neil. The two of them had been recording them and compiling them on the MP3 in preparation for the day that Kevin would no longer be there to sing Neil to sleep. 

Standing on the tiny balcony of his hotel room, Aaron wondered why he’d thought about it now. Just like all the other Foxes, he had taken the first available flight out to the Walkers. Katelyn and their twin daughters had headed out to see Neil. As much as Aaron wanted to see Neil, he knew it was probably better if he didn’t. Despite calling Kevin every day to gauge Neil’s mental state, he didn’t want to risk tipping the scales out of Neil’s favors. 

Aaron closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. He could nearly smell the cigarette smoke that clung to all of Neil and Andrew’s clothes. His eyes flew open as he realized he wasn’t imagining it. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Kevin’s name flashed on the screen. 

“Aaron! Aaron, oh my fucking God! Neil- Neil’s gone!” Kevin cried hysterically. 

Heading back in, Aaron replied calmly, “It’s alright. He’s with me.” Before Kevin could push the subject any further, Aaron cut the call. He found Neil connecting a PlayStation to the tv in the bedroom. Aaron grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his suitcase and sat down on the bed as Neil booted up Tekken. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want to hear the playlist Kevin put together for Neil?  
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLy8QlR7pyQI1QlG5tdjb4BmkjBUOpOvTO  
I hc Kevin's voice to be the one from Kids Aren't Alright


	5. Don't take it away from me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we see things from a new point of view. this is a weird chapter to say the least. i was in a weird headspace when i wrote it :)))

There were a thousand and one things that Andrew hated, or at least used to. For the longest time, Andrew had hated churches. Hypocrisy and homophobia had been built into the foundation of every church he had ever set foot in. For most of his adult life, Andrew had avoided churches like a plague. Of course, the second he set foot in Germany to visit Nicky, he had been carted off to one. Neil had never been the religious type, but he hadn’t quite seemed to mind attending church with the Klose family. In fact, he seemed to enjoy it.

As fate would have it, Erik’s father was a pastor. Stefan Klose was nothing like any of the pastors Andrew had ever met. He was quiet smiles and roaring laughter. He was easygoing and unprejudiced.

“At any given moment, there’s always going to be someone somewhere judging you for your actions. I believe that there isn’t a single soul on this earth who’s judgment truly matters. They don’t know why you do the things you do or say the things you say. For me, the only person who’s judgment matters is His. However, I am only human. While His judgment is the only one that matters in the grand scheme of things, I can’t help but try to do right by my family as well as by Him. I know He understands. 

“You and I are both different and the same. We both cling desperately to some force out of our own control. I believe in God and trust in Him to guide me. Neil mentioned that you believe in fate and luck. Neither of these things are concrete, but neither is God. I do not ask you to prove the existence of fate for I know that I can not prove that God is real either. Unable to be validated by these ‘higher powers’ we seek validation from those important to us. That is why He is so tolerant of our mistakes. He understands that we were just trying to do right by our people. 

“Unfortunately, some people believe that they have the right to judge everyone else just because some people look to them for validation. Most often, it is people in power who do this. As a preacher, I hold sway amongst my parishioners. I understand the effects my words have over their thoughts and actions. With that in mind, I know that I must mind what I say. These people look to me for guidance and, at times, validation. I do not judge the thoughts and actions of my people for they must live their lives as they see fit. So long as the things that they do don’t endanger the safety and mental health of themselves and others, they may do as they please. My job is not to force them onto any singular path in life, it is to support them in theirs. 

“Life can be so cruel. You and your family know this better than most. I have no pity to offer you; I doubt you’d accept it if I did. I do, however, understand what it is like to be you. I am a child of rape and a victim of it too. I know what it’s like to say ‘no’ only for my pleas to fall on deaf ears. I know what it’s like to want to protect those I love from sharing a fate similar to my own. In spite of these similarities, the two of us chose two very different ways to accomplish the same things. You have surely faced harsh judgment for your methods. I’m sure me weighing in isn’t going to make you regret your choices. It shouldn’t. I am not you. No matter the similarities between the two of us, I will never truly understand your motives and such I can not judge you for your actions,” Stefan said. 

“You’re definitely a preacher,” was Andrew’s only reply. Stefan’s laughter rang through the kitchen as he returned to washing the dishes from lunch. At dinner that night, Andrew bowed his head while the others said grace. He might not have believed in God, but he now held a begrudging respect for Stefan. He caught sight of Neil’s small smile and kicked him under the table. 

That had been thirteen years ago. Andrew might not have hated churches as much as he once did, but he definitely still hated doctors. Every child was afraid of doctors, but most grew out of it. Andrew had too, but facing Proust had reawoken them. Along with those fears, a newfound hate for them had rooted itself into his heart. 

_ Of course,  _ ** _he’s_ ** _ a doctor, _ Andrew thought to himself as he stood in front of the highrise.  _ Of course, his office is on the top floor. _ Today wasn’t going to be a good day. Andrew could feel it in his bones. With one last drag of his cigarette, he ground it out and tossed it into the trash can. He stared straight ahead as he rode the elevator all the way to the top. His knuckles were white as they gripped the iron handle in the stupid little metal box. He stepped out and walked over to the door on the far end of the hall. Resting his hand on the doorknob, he hesitated. He shut his eyes and leaned his forehead against the door.  _ It’s fine. It’s just a check-up. It’s not like he’s going to tell me I’m dying.  _ Andrew turned the knob and entered the office of Dr. Aaron Minyard. 


	6. Because you don't know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who left a kudos is going to take it away and I won't blame you. This one gets a bit graphic at the end bc it talks about Andrew and Drake

“You shouldn’t have any problems with this one,” Aaron said with a sly smile. In his hand, he held a long pipe. 

“What the actual fuck is that?” Andrew asked. 

“It’s an endoscope. It’s essentially a camera at the end of a pipe. We put it down your throat to see what’s inside. Some people gag around it, but you should be just fine,” Aaron replied. He ducked just in time to avoid the pen Andrew threw at him. “What? Am I wrong?” Andrew’s only response was a low growl. 

“Pauline,” Aaron called to his assistant. “You’ll be at the computer today. My brother doesn’t take kindly to people touching him. Alright. Open up, Drew.” Andrew just barely parted his lips. Aaron frowned at him. “Are we really going to play this game today?” Andrew gave an exaggerated sigh and opened his mouth wide enough for the camera. Carefully, Aaron inserted the camera into his mouth, guiding it slowly down his brother’s throat. Despite his jokes, Aaron took extra care to make sure his brother was alright.

“Doctor? I think you need to see this,” Pauline said from behind the monitor, her voice wavered ever so slightly. She came over and traded places with Aaron. Grabbing his mug of coffee, he rounded the corner of the desk. The distinct sound of porcelain shattering filled the room. 

“No. No. It- no,” Aaron whispered. His hand wrapped around his own throat. The picture suddenly shifted as the camera was removed. 

“Aaron?” Andrew asked. Aaron’s gaze was still glued to the screen. Tears blurred most of his vision. 

“I’m so sorry, sir,” Pauline whispered. 

“Aaron, what is it?” Andrew demanded. Tears flowed from Aaron’s eyes as he turned to look up at his brother. Time seemed to slow as Aaron's world started to tilt. He was vaguely aware of the frown creasing his brother's forehead and the tears welling in Pauline's eyes. Several memories flashed through Aaron's mind.

Aaron was suddenly thirteen again. He was sitting curled up on his mother’s bed with the handset pressed to his ear. A woman's voice drifted through it. She was talking about a boy named Andrew. The woman was gushing about how happy she was to have found Andrew’s birth mother, and his brother too.  _ Brother _ , Aaron thought. He felt his heart racing in his ribcage.  _ Brother! I- I have a brother! A twin brother! _ Aaron had been over the moon at the very thought of meeting him. 

The voice of his mother sent him crashing back down to earth. She hissed at the woman to keep her fat mouth shut. She didn't want to know anything about Andrew. She wanted nothing to do with him and she certainly did not want Aaron meeting him. She slammed the phone down so hard that Aaron jerked the phone away from his face. Silently, returned the phone to its cradle and crawled back to his own room. Drawing his legs in, he tried to hold in his grief. Hot tears streaked down his face as his shoulders shook. Anger coursed through his veins. Clenching his jaw, he unfurled himself and stalked into the kitchen. He grabbed a notebook and pen from the kitchen and ran out of the house. He raced down the block to the park. Seated at one of the picnic tables, his pen flew across the page. He wasn't quite sure what he'd written, only that he had to send it before his mother ever found out. He stopped by the fountain on his way out of the park. He would need money to send the letter. With a grimace, he peeled his shoes and socks off. Wading through the fountain, he collected every penny, nickel, and dime he could find.  _ This isn't stealing, _ he told himself. _They threw_ _ their money in here. Even if it is, it doesn't matter. This is for my brother. This is for Andrew. _

Every day for the next two weeks, Aaron checked the mail in the hopes of finding a response to his own letter. When it came, Aaron nearly had a heart attack on the spot. He sat down on the steps in front of the house. With shaking fingers, he carefully opened the letter. A brilliant smile plastered itself across his face when he saw the chicken scratch that filled the page. It looked just like his own handwriting. Unfortunately, his smile had been quick to fade. Andrew had only written back to tell Aaron that he didn’t want him around. He was more than happy to remain with Cassidy and his new brother Drake. Aaron grabbed desperately at his chest. It felt as though some hand had forced its way into his ribcage and ripped his heart out.  _ **New brother**, Drake.  _ Tears fell onto the page. Ink ran, blurring the words into one another. Aaron ripped up the remnants of the letter up and hurled them in the bin. He collapsed on the kitchen floor, sobbing.  _ Great,  _ he thought.  _ Fucking great. It doesn’t matter. I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone. I hope I never meet Andrew or his new brother Drake.  _

Tilda sold the house a few months later and moved to Columbia. It wasn’t until two years later that Uncle Luther stood in the doorway arguing with her. Aaron couldn’t remember what they'd said, only that Luther had won. Aaron was shoved into the back of a car and then onto a plane back to San Jose. Within an hour of landing, Aaron was sitting face-to-face with Andrew Joseph Minyard. It was like staring into a mirror only his reflection didn't seem quite right. Aside from the orange jumpsuit and the bruise on his left cheek, there were other dissimilarities. Where Aaron’s eyes were wide and his mouth open, Andrew’s were empty and he hadn’t opened his mouth since Aaron’s arrival. Their half an hour went by too quickly. Suddenly, Aaron was back on a plane on the way to Columbia without Andrew.

“Throat cancer,” Aaron croaked. “You have stage-four throat cancer.” 

“What?” 

“You-you're dying.”

Death. Dying. Blood. The memory came into sharp focus. Aaron suddenly remembered Andrew’s shaking hands and bouncing knees on the way to Columbia. He had written it off as the meds, but he knew better now. Andrew had been afraid. He remembered the way Andrew had stilled and gone silent as they drove up to the Hemmick’s house. He remembered dinner and the awkward conversation and the sound of Andrew raising his voice at Luther. Then there was the thudding of Andrew’s feet on the stairs. In his memory, Andrew’s footsteps sounded like an executioner’s drum. Suddenly, the cracking of wood filled Aaron’s mind. All Aaron could see was blood. There was so much blood everywhere. In the middle of it all, there was a man pinning Andrew down to the bed. Aaron felt himself crossing the room in two strides, racquet in hand. His arm came up and he brought the racquet down on the man’s head with everything he had. 

Andrew’s laughter echoed through Aaron’s skull as he stared at his brother now. No, it wasn’t Andrew’s laughter. It was his own. Staring up at Andrew, Aaron laughed through his tears. It was a terrible manic thing, just like the drug-induced one he had heard so many times from his brother. 

Aaron might have been able to save Andrew from Drake, but there would be no saving him from this. 


	7. What it means to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice little break from the angst. It's just a little bit steamy ;)))   
Bearing in mind that I don't read a lot of fics myself or write much of this stuff, I hope you enjoy.

Neil answered the banging at the door to his apartment only to find Andrew standing there looking like a drowned cat. Telling him as much prompted an angry growl from him. He stepped into the house, leaving a puddle on Neil’s doorstep. Before Neil could ask why Andrew had arrived unannounced, Neil found himself shoved up against the wall. Andrew’s grip on his waist was much tighter than usual. There would be bruises there for sure. Something was wrong, but the thought flew out of Neil’s mind at the first press of Andrew’s lips to his. 

Over the years, Andrew had learned to soften himself up a little, but all of that was gone now. Now, the hard press of Andrew’s lips sent waves of nostalgia washing over Neil. He was back on the roof of Fox Tower trying to convince himself to stay. The kiss felt exactly the same as it had the first time Andrew had kissed him. It ended the same way too. Andrew pulled away suddenly. Something in his hazel eyes didn’t seem quite right. 

“Drew?” Neil asked. He caught hold of Andrew’s sleeves as a frown furrowed his brow. Andrew pulled Neil down so that their foreheads were resting against one another. 

“I saw your game.” Andrew murmured against Neil’s lips. Neil’s eyes grew wide. He drew back in time to see Andrew’s lips curl into a wicked grin. “Against Queen Day himself. Everyone’s been singing their praises for that stupid sack of shit. Of course, they are. Royals are always treated like Gods. But what about you, hmm? You were fucking amazing. No one’s ever held out that long against Day and Knox. It’s you they should be worshipping, not Kevin. They won’t though, will they? They’ve all got their heads too far up his ass.” Running his thumb across Neil’s lips, his hazel eyes sparked with something Neil could finally recognize. It was rare that Andrew ever let his emotions show, but there was no denying the lust in his eyes as Neil felt the weight of Andrew’s other hand on his crotch. “Looks like I’ll just have to worship you for them.” 

Neil felt his legs give out from beneath him as he registered Andrew’s words. Andrew caught him easily and captured Neil’s lips in his own. Andrew’s lips slowly massaged Neil’s as he carried him to the bedroom. Neil felt the care in Andrew’s hands as he lay him down on the mattress. Andrew started to pull away and Neil couldn’t help chasing after his lips. He knew what was coming next, but he didn’t want it. Not yet. Straddling Neil, Andrew rested his hand on the waistband of Neil’s sweatpants. 

“Yes or-”

“No,” Neil said. Andrew immediately withdrew his hand. His apathetic mask began to settle back over his face, but Neil reached out. He caught Andrew’s hand and placed it back on his chest. “Not yet. I… I just want to kiss you for a little while.” Andrew stared at him for a long moment. Slowly he lowered his body so that it rested against Neil’s.

“Shoulders up,” he said quietly. Neil ran his fingers through Andrew’s hair, enjoying the way Andrew turned his head into Neil’s touch. Andrew groaned softly. “Neil,” he moaned. Neil’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name. It was just one word, but it sounded like a prayer, laden with desperation. Something was wrong. 

“Drew,” Neil whispered. He pressed Andrew’s forehead against his own. As soon as Andrew realized that Neil had stopped running his hands through his hair, he pried his eyes open. “What’s wrong, Drew?” 

“Later. I promise,” Andrew mumbled. Neil accepted it without another word. He sat up, keeping Andrew in his lap. Andrew tugged at the hem on Neil’s shirt in a silent request. Neil was more than happy to oblige. He pulled the shirt off and flung it aside. Andrew drew patterns across Neil’s ruined skin while Neil pressed soft open-mouthed kisses to every surface he could find. Neil let himself bask in the harrassed noises slipping out of Andrew’s lips. He felt the slow rock of Andrew’s hips against his and smiled into the crook of Andrew’s neck. Licking a stripe up Andrew’s neck, Neil relished the shudder that wracked Andrew’s body. “I thought I was supposed to worship you,” Andrew whispered as he traced the shell of Neil’s ear. Pulling back, Neil smiled softly at him. His head felt fuzzy as if his brains had been scooped out and replaced with gauze. 

“M’kay,” was all he managed to get out. He lowered himself back onto the bed, flinching at his sore muscles from last night’s game. He smiled up at Andrew. A muscle twitched in Andrew’s jaw as he sat there taking in every inch of Neil. Neil whined softly. It was far too cold for him to be without a shirt. Andrew’s body heat had been enough to keep him from noticing the cold, but now he could feel it in his bones. Finally, Andrew seemed to come to a decision. He peeled his shirt and armbands off. Neil’s smile widened at the sight of the foxes tattooed over Andrew’s old scars. He dragged his gaze up Andrew’s arms and over to his chest. Neil felt his soul leave his body. 

On Andrew’s chest was a new tattoo. A heart had been tattooed onto the tender skin protecting the real one. It was no simple heart either. No, it was shaped just like a real one. Flowers spewed from the open veins and arteries. The heart had a grenade texture with the pin pulled halfway. On one of the square textures, the name  _ Abram _ had been tattooed. 

“Yes or no,” Andrew asked again. 

“Yes,” Neil hissed as he pulled Andrew down to kiss him. 


	8. Love of my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SUICIDE MENTION  
READ AT YOUR OWN RISK
> 
> I'm sorry this took so long and I'm sorry it's so sad

Andrew collapsed beside Neil on his bed. The rain was just slowing to a stop. Some small part of Andrew was grateful for the rain. Hopefully, it had been raining hard enough to dampen the sounds of their labored breaths, moans, and the creaking of Neil’s bed. It wasn’t that Andrew cared about others knowing what they’d been doing. No, he just didn’t want anyone else to hear Neil getting off. Neil was his. Abram was his. His and his alone.  
Turning his head, he saw Neil’s body bathed in the light now piercing through the clouds. A halo of light surrounded his whole body. Neil was still riding the aftershocks of his orgasm, so his face was still contorted in a mix of pain and pleasure. In that moment, Andrew really did believe in God. Neil looked fucking holy. The soft moans that slipped past his parted lips sent Andrew’s head spinning. As the aftershocks receded, Neil turned to look at him. His icy blue eyes had thawed and his pupils were blown wide in ecstasy.  
“Thank you,” he said with a wide smile. “You were amazing.” Andrew’s stomach lurched at the words. Eighteen years ago, Neil had said those same words to him in the locker room after the Binghampton game. He had said those same words to him before marching straight into the arms of death. How Andrew had gotten Neil back that time, he did not know. Andrew did, however, know that he wasn’t coming back from this.  
“Neil,” Andrew’s voice cracked. He let his apathetic facade fall and shatter at his feet. There was no point anymore. All his life, Andrew had been ready to die. When a bus came hurtling down the road towards him, Andrew refused to move. When a blade bit into the tender skin of his throat, Andrew pressed into it. When a bullet whizzed past his head, Andrew did not flinch. Andrew had spent his whole life wanting to die but now that it stood before him, welcoming him with open arms, he didn’t want it. Why? he asked himself. He already knew the answer. It was laying beside him on that bed. It was wiping the tears pouring down his face. It was frantically searching his face for a reason for his tears. “Neil,” Andrew said again as he cupped his hands around his face.  
“Drew, what’s wrong?” Neil asked once more. Andrew felt his heart clench. For the first nineteen years of his life, it had always been him against the world. Nicky and Aaron didn’t count, not back then they didn’t. Back then, Nicky and Aaron hadn’t have his back. Andrew had ensnared the two of them in a tangle of threats and promises. Andrew spent every moment of every day fighting to keep them tied to him. He thought he was protecting them. He thought he was helping them. The truth was that he’d done just the opposite. For three years, Andrew had tied them down and broken them. They hadn’t loved him. They had been stuck with him.  
Neil had been too. Eighteen years ago, Andrew had found himself face to face with the most beautiful man he had ever laid his eyes upon. As Neil had crumpled beneath the blow from the racquet, Andrew’s drug-induced mania had cleared just enough to reveal a single thought. In that moment, he knew that there weren’t enough drugs in the world to get him to forget that pretty face. From the moment Neil uttered the words “Fuck you”, Andrew was a goner. He was a sucker for a pretty face, but a dirty mouth too? Andrew was on cloud nine by the time Wymack made it to Neil’s crumpled form. He told himself it was the drugs but a small part of him knew better.  
Strapped tightly to his seat, Andrew had let his mind wander in the hopes of distracting himself from their imminent takeoff. He found his thoughts racing back to Neil and he shut his eyes only to find the boy’s face etched into the backs of his eyelids. Neil was like a fire burning in the middle of the winter. Andrew knew he would not, could not, survive without him. He also knew that if he got too close he’d only get burnt, but Andrew was as self-destructive as they came. If Neil was fire, he would let himself be gasoline.  
All Andrew wanted was just a moment to bask in the glory of Neil. So what if he burned himself away in the process? It would all be worth it to see Neil burn brighter than any star in the universe. Luther said that the wrath of God burned like the fire of a thousand suns. Homosexuality was a sin worse than any other, he claimed. Every time Neil locked his eyes on Andrew’s, Andrew felt certain that this was his punishment. For craving the sins of the flesh, Andrew would be forced to live out the remainder of his life so close and yet so far from the only thing he had ever truly wanted. Neil Josten was Andrew’s guiltiest of pleasures. He loved watching the ripple of Neil’s muscles as he ran laps around the court. He adored the way he looked as he smiled sleepily at Andrew on bus rides home. He cherished the glimpses of pale skin that exposed themselves when Neil’s shorts hiked up as he sat down. Neil Josten was just a pipe dream but Andrew would gladly hurl himself into the fire just to make the junkie’s dream come true.  
Andrew knew that there would be no stopping Neil from running at the end of the year so he had started preparing for his departure the day he pressed his lips to Neil’s. A gallon of bleach sat beneath the sink of their bathroom. As soon as Neil left, Andrew was fully prepared to down the bleach and slit his forearms. True to fox fashion, Andrew would let himself bleed to death in the bathtub. Fuck Aaron and their joint sessions. Fuck Nicky and his useless attempts to break Andrew our if his shell. Fuck Kevin and rhe mafia. Andrew was in far too deep with Neil. There would be no point in trying to go on without his junkie.  
The night of the Binghampton riot, Andrew had been ready to pull the plug on his life support himself when Kevin burst in. In his hands, he held Neil’s duffle. Neil wouldn’t have run without his bag. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. His thoughts went immediately to their conversation on the bus earlier that day. He knew this was going to happen. The thought knocked the air out of Andrew’s lungs. Every memory of Neil from the last two months ran through his head. Neil’s behavior towards anyone hadn’t really changed with anyone but Andrew and… Kevin. Andrew shot out of his bed and charged Kevin. His hands wrapped around Kevin’s throat like a vice.  
“Where is he? What have you done?” he screamed. Tears welled in Kevin’s eyes. Sorrow flickered in them too. Andrew was right. Kevin knew something that he didn’t. It took the entire team to pry Andrew off of Kevin. After Kevin caught his breath, he spilled what he knew. He told them about Neil’s father working for the Moriyamas and Neil belonging to them too. Andrew already knew all of this but it didn’t explain Neil’s disappearance.  
“His father took him,” Kevin said softly.  
“Neil’s father is dead!” Andrew roared. All the foxes turned to look at him, all shocked to various degrees.  
“Is that what he told you?” Kevin asked with a wry smile. “Oh, Andrew, don’t you know better than to trust a liar?” Andrew didn’t remember the rest of the night or the next day. All he could remember was the hysterical sobbing. Wymack had taken Andrew out of the room to stop him from killing the others and offered him a cigarette. Andrew took it with trembling hands only to drop it a moment later. His legs gave out beneath him and that was when the tears had started. Once they’d started, they refused to stop. Andrew spent the better part of the next four hours crying while Wymack did his best to hold him together.  
Andrew vaguely remembered meetings the feds and throwing a punch at one of them. He could recall the bite of cold cuffs chaining him to Wymack. But the part that really felt like a dream was the moment he laid eyes on Neil again. He was bruised and battered and shredded into ribbons. Andrew couldn’t decide whether it was a good dream or a bad one. He also couldn’t keep his hands off Neil either. Real. He had to make sure Neil was real. In their cell, Andrew kept his hands on Neil at all times. He was never going to let himself lose Neil again.  
Laying beside him in the cabin during spring break, Andrew wondered what would happen when Neil died. It definitely wasn’t a healthy thought to be having, but he couldn’t shove it aside either. One day Neil was going to die. Not at the hands of the mafia, Andrew would see to that, but he wasn’t immortal. Neil had turned and pried an eye open to look at Andrew then and reached a hand out, stopping just short of his face. Andrew took it then and brushed a kiss over Neil’s knuckles. As he wound himself around Neil, Andrew silently wished that he would never have to live another day without Neil.  
Eighteen years later, he was getting his wish in the worst way possible. How he was going to tell Neil, Andrew didn’t know. Instead, he sat up and took Neil’s hand.  
“You’re just the prettiest junkie I’ve ever seen,” he whispered as he brushed a kiss over Neil’s knuckles. He let Neil crawl into his lap and bury his head in the crook of his neck. He knew Neil’s patience was wearing thin. He knew his own time was running out. Tonight, Andrew promised himself. I’ll tell him tonight, but he still didn’t know how.


	9. Don't leave me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Neil and Andrew switch place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a while, loves! I'm sorry it took so long. I just wasn't ready to write this. I hope it destroys you <3

“Abram,” Andrew murmured against Neil’s neck. Neil’s entire neck was covered in purple bruises, all courtesy of Andrew. Soon, Andrew would be gone. He wanted desperately to leave his mark on the only thing that mattered. The two of them had laid intertwined together for hours after they’d finished but no matter what Andrew did, Neil never felt close enough. Nervous energy had been building up inside of Andrew the entire time. Once it had gotten too much, he’d untangled himself from Neil and grabbed his clothes. They had gotten dressed and hopped into Neil’s car. Andrew drove like he had a deathwish. It was quite the opposite, in fact. Andrew wanted to live so badly that every part of him ached. He wanted to live one more hour, one more day, one more year. So long as Neil loved him, Andrew wanted to live. 

“Joseph,” Neil breathe as he laced his fingers through Andrew’s. The two of them were sitting side by side on the hood of Neil’s car, watching the sun slip beneath the horizon. It had taken Andrew an hour to leave the developed world behind. He had hurtled down the road towards the empty field that he knew Neil adored. They’d gone there so often, Andrew was sure he could find the place in his sleep. 

He’d found it a few years ago when a massive meteor shower had been predicted to occur. The cosmic event lined up perfectly with their fifteenth anniversary and so Andrew had spent weeks scouring the city for a place to watch the stars fall. It was pure chance that he’d stumbled on the little clearing. However, the second he’d seen it, he’d known it was the place. 

The meteor shower was set to occur in the early hours of the day so Andrew had dragged Neil out to the field at midnight. Neil had grumbled the entire way. His complaints only halted once Andrew laid the picnic blanket out beside the car. Andrew grabbed a mason jar and shoved another into Neil’s hand. He led Neil out into the overgrown grass and that’s when the show began. Fireflies took flight around them. Andrew scooped up as many of them in his jar as he could. He heard Neil’s laughter from behind him and turned. He watched as his junkie ran across the field, filling jars with the little creatures. When Neil returned with his haul, they had set them up around the blanket to light their little picnic. Andrew allowed himself a small smile in the soft glow of the fireflies as he listened to Neil ramble on about Dan and Matt’s new son, Abram. 

“Shit we’re going to miss it,” Andrew had snapped. Neil jolted. He stood up and cleared the picnic away. Neil remained on the ground because he was a useless piece of shit. Once Andrew has cleaned everything up, he hauled Neil to his feet. The two of them scrambled up on the hood of the car just as the sky started to fall. Stars rained down, streaking across the night sky. Neil gasped and Andrew turned to look at him. Andrew’s mouth fell open. In the soft glow of the falling stars, Neil looked ethereal. Lips slightly parted, staring up with stars in his eyes. Andrew missed the rest of the meteor shower but he didn’t mind. The view he had was far better than any other the universe had to offer. As soon as it had ended Neil had turned his gaze to Andrew, a massive dopey smile splashed across his face. It was too much for Andrew. He grabbed Neil’s face and kissed him hard. Laughter bubbled up out of Neil, making him hard to kiss. That didn’t stop Andrew. He had kissed every inch of Neil’s skin that night and ravished him on the hood of the car. When they’d finished, a breathless and starry eyed Neil had pulled him close. 

“That was- I- Fuck, man. I don’t even know what to say,” he said with a laugh. 

“Then don’t say anything,” Andrew huffed. He pulled away from Neil and slid down the hood of the car. Turning his back to him, Andrew set about releasing the fireflies. He desperately hoped Neil couldn’t see his burning ears. 

“That was the best,” Neil said finally. “You’re the best.” _Sickening_. Andrew wasn’t even going to dignify that with a response. To this day, Neil claimed that that night was his favorite memory of Andrew. Looking over at him now, Andrew wondered if he really should ruin this place for Neil. 

“Hey,” Neil said suddenly. Andrew picked his head off Neil’s shoulder. “Aaron called a while before you got here.” Andrew felt his blood run cold. “He called to ask how I was doing. He asked if I’d seen you and I’d said no. He said to call him right after I had though. Did you tell him you were coming?” Andrew sighed. _It’s time_. 

“Neil, I’m going to tell you something but you have to promise not to freak out,” Andrew said. He stared out at the setting sun. There was no way in Hell he could look at Neil. Of course, that was when Neil caught him by the chin. Andrew let Neil turn his head so that they faced each other. 

“On my life,” Neil swore. A small smile tugged at his lips. “No wait. On you. Get it? Because you’re my life.” He pressed his forehead up against Andrew’s. His attempt to lighten the mood only managed to make Andrew's heart sink further. 

"Don't make this harder than this already is," he said. Taking a shaky breath, he took Neil's hand. "Do you remember what Coach told me before…” Andrew screwed his eyes shut. He was not going to cry over a man who’d been gone for five years. “Before he left?"

"He told you- No._** We** _told you to stop smoking before you ended up like him." Neil's voice trailed off. 

"I didn't listen," Andrew said softly. Silence settled over the two of them. Seconds, minutes, hours, days stretched by. Andrew gave up the waiting game first. Opening his eyes he began to say something when he caught sight of Neil. Tears flowed down his face. His lips were pressed into a hard thin line. His blue eyes had frozen over. It was rare for Neil to make this face. The last time Andrew had seen it had been when he’d shoved Kevin down the stairs for being a dick. Disappointment was written in every crevice of Neil’s face. Andrew curled into himself, instinctively shying from the intensity of Neil’s gaze. “Don’t be mad, Neil,” he whispered. “Please.” Andrew heard Neil inhale sharply at the single word. They both knew what that word meant to Andrew. After a beat of silence, Neil extended his arms towards Andrew in a silent request. Andrew collapsed into his embrace. “I’m not ready to die, Neil.” 

“You should have thought about that five years ago,” Neil replied. His voice was cold and empty. Andrew shifted so he could see Neil’s eyes. They were empty. A mask of apathy had settled over Neil. Andrew felt like screaming.  _ Is this how Aaron and Nicky felt?  _ he wondered. “That’s why Aaron called.” Andrew nodded against Neil’s chest. He felt Neil’s arms start to drop away. 

“Don’t leave me,” Andrew begged. A part of him recoiled at the desperation in his own voice. He had heard it before from Kevin when he’d fled from Evermore and from Neil when he’d begged Andrew to let him stay at Palmetto. He had heard it when Aaron curled into himself to escape Tilda’s blows and from Nicky when he begged his parents to love him as they did before. Not once had he heard this level of desperation from himself. 

“You’re the one leaving me,” Neil replied but he wrapped his arms back around Andrew. 

It had been gradual, so slow that Andrew hadn’t even realized that it had been happening. While Andrew was being weaned off his anti-psychotics, he’d developed a new dependency: Neil. Around Neil was the only time Andrew ever fully let his guard down. In times of pain and strife, Andrew had begun reaching for Neil instead of the liquor cabinet. Now that Andrew’s life was slipping through his fingers, he looked to Neil to hold him together. Aaron had told Andrew it was too late but he’d fled to Neil anyway, hoping against hope that Neil could save him. Cradled in his arms, Andrew was suddenly acutely aware of his own mortality. This was it. There was no saving him now. 

“Andrew,” Neil said. “No more cigarettes.”

"No more cigarettes,” Andrew agreed. Andrew Minyard wouldn’t touch a single cigarette for the three remaining months of his life. 


	10. You've stolen my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Kevin is really really gay and everyone cries

All his life, Neil had been fighting a war. Every morning was a struggle to get up and keep going. Every day he was forced to fight tooth and nail for every breath he drew. For every ounce of blood his heart pumped he spilled a hundred more of someone else’s. In the eight years Neil had spent on the run, he could count the days he’d enjoyed on one hand. They weren’t even whole days. They were just little fragments, mere fractions of seconds, in which his mother had loosened her grip on his leash long enough for him to breathe without the weight of their woes stifling him. For a few sweet, sweet moments, Neil almost felt free. Almost. No matter what, they always returned to choke him back into his place. 

With Mary dead, the leash was gone but the crushing weight of guilt easily made up for it. It sucker-punched him in the gut as he handed over the paperwork to join the Millport Dingos. It weighed his shoulders down as he donned his exy gear and dogged his every step on the court until the starting buzzer sounded. It gnawed at him as he lay awake late at night and sent cascading waterfalls of tears flowing down his cheeks as he stared up at the ceiling of the locker room. 

Neil believed he deserved it. Eight years. Eight goddamn years, his mother suffered to protect him. To Neil, life in Baltimore had been a never-ending haze of blood, pain, and tears broken up only by his little league games. To Mary, it had been far more. Nathan Wesninski was a monster but the Hatfords had been far worse. At least Nathan had loved her.

Just like her son, life with her father had been Hell for Mary. When she’d been just shy of seven years, she’d had to endure the horror of watching her father kill her mother. Every day since the death of her mother had been an endless stream of torment from her four elder siblings, save Stuart. Nathan had arrived like a knight in shining armor to rescue her from the miserable hell she’d rotted in for so many years. 

Nathan Wesninski wasn’t as monstrous as he seemed. Not to Mary anyway. Sure, he relished in the screams of the people he tortured, but he always made her breakfast in bed. Maybe he was unnecessarily cruel to anyone who dared defied him but he also held her close when she woke sobbing from nightmares and kissed her silly every morning. Never once had he asked her for more than she’d been willing to give. He’d been kind to her when no one else had been. Mary had loved her husband, her savior, but she loved her son more. 

“Mary, please,” Nathan had begged when he caught up to her in Seattle. “It’s hard. I know it is but it’s for the best. He’s a Wesninski, love. We never get what we want. We barely get what we need. Evermore was more than any of us ever had. Come home, Mary. At least then we can be happy.” Wesninski’s also had a temper. When Mary had refused, she’d felt the full extent of her husband’s wrath. 

As Mary lay in her son’s arms, she didn’t curse Nathan’s name for what he had done to her. No, as she drew her last shuddering breath, she cursed his name for making an orphan of her son the way her father had done to her.

Stuart had told Neil of his mother’s past long ago. The guilt wasn’t quite as crushingly constant as the one he’d endured in the year following her death. Instead, it came in waves. Some nights, as Neil lay alone in bed he felt the guilt washing over him. What would life have been like had he stayed? Would his mother still be alive? Neil hated his father more than anything on Earth. But why? Was it because of how he’d tortured Neil or was it because he’d killed his mother? No matter what tortures Tilda had wrought upon Aaron, he’d still loved her. Would Neil have loved his father as blindly as Aaron had loved his mother? Did Nathan even deserve to be loved? _Yes,_ Neil thought, without the slightest of hesitation. _ It doesn’t matter how monstrous a man might be; everyone deserves to be loved _. 

The thought shook Neil to his core everytime. Neil would never have thought that if he hadn’t met Andrew. Would he have met Andrew if he’d stayed in Baltimore? Maybe so. But he definitely wouldn’t have fallen in love with him if he had. That single thought, shoved all else aside. Be it in the dead of night or the bright light of day, knowing that Neil had Andrew was enough to silence all the voices in Neil’s head. He had survived Nathan’s wrath. He had survived Riko’s retribution and had the blessing of Ichirou Moriyama. He was alive and, most importantly, he had Andrew by his side. 

Andrew wasn’t Neil’s prize for surviving (no, Neil’s prize was exy). He wasn’t some spoil of war, taken to lord over the vanquished. Andrew Minyard belonged to no man. He was his own person and he’d chosen to allow Neil to be a part of his life. That was more than Neil could have ever asked for. 

Standing at the altar, Neil told Andrew as much. A thin sheen of tears shone in Andrew’s eyes as Neil finished his vows. Then it was Andrew’s turn. 

“Junkie,” Andrew muttered as he blinked his tears away. Neil laughed softly, tears falling down his own face. “You were supposed to be a side effect of the drugs,” Andrew said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “You weren’t a hallucination. You were a pipe dream. You are all I’ve ever wanted and more than I’ve ever deserved. Neil Abram Josten, I love you more than anything.”

“More than strawberry ice-cream?” Neil asked. 

“More than strawberry ice-cream,” Andrew said. Neil couldn’t wait another second. He grabbed Andrew’s face and pulled him into a kiss. Everyone cheered. As they pulled apart, Jean cleared his throat and asked the two of them to exchange rings. Laughter rumbled through the assembly at Neil’s premature kiss. Neil blushed as bright red as his hair as he slipped the ring onto Andrew’s finger. 

Music drifted softly through the court as the people milled about. Neil and Andrew stood before their table, greeting their guests. Actually, Neil greeted people while Andrew stood beside him trying to hide his blush. Andrew wasn’t used to having so many people be so nice to him. Neil knew Andrew was overwhelmed and hurried through the greetings as quickly as he could before retreating back to their table for the toasts.

Aaron went first. It was a short, simple threat to Neil demanding that he take good care of Andrew. Neil laughed and agreed to Aaron’s terms. Neil got up and hugged Aaron close when the tears rolled down his face. Out of the corner of his eye, Neil caught a glimpse of Andrew’s half-smile before it slipped back beneath his empty facade. Kevin went next. 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate my brother’s marriage to my best friend. Because it is their wedding day, I get to be sappy. Neil, do my a favor and sit in your husband’s lap so that he doesn’t stand up and strangle me.”

“Bold of you to assume Neil can stop me,” Andrew muttered. Neil snorted and nuzzled into the crook of Andrew’s neck. He watched as Andrew’s blush deepened. 

“And leave me here all alone?” Neil asked, fake-pouting. “You wouldn’t.” 

Andrew was silent a moment before replying, “I wouldn’t.” He laced his fingers through Neil’s as the crowd’s laughter subsided, unaware of their little exchange.. 

“I know I’m supposed to come up here and make everyone laugh about some bullshit I’ve seen you two pull like the time I caught the two of you having sex in Neil’s bunk while I was trying to sleep in the one beside it or about how much of a lovesick bastard Neil can be but I don’t want to. 

“Instead, I want to take a minute to thank Andrew for everything he's done for me. Everyone knows Kevin Day, the Son of Exy but that wasn’t who Wymack brought you. Instead, my father brought you a broken man with a broken heart and a broken arm to match. 

“When I saw you, I saw that you were broken too. It wasn’t the same kind of broken that I was. No, you were far worse. When I met you, you had nothing but a family bound to you in a tangle of threats and promises. You were a broken man with more than just a broken heart. No one had ever loved you and now that you had a family, you didn’t know how to show them that you cared. You don’t love the way Neil and Aaron and Nicky do. Instead, you tear yourself apart, giving away little bits and pieces of yourself, trying to keep them around. It didn’t matter to you what you had to do so long as they stayed. You didn’t think they’d stay unless you gave them something in exchange; unless you proved that you were worth something. 

“I knew what that was like. Up until that night, I was worth something to Riko. The second I’d begun to outgrow my use, they cut me down. They left me to rot and fester, all alone. You were scared that Aaron and Nicky would leave you the same way Riko left me. 

“You and I both knew that one day they wouldn’t need you anymore. What were you going to do then? I saw the bleach under the sink. I saw the scars beneath your bands. I knew exactly what was going to happen when they left.” Kevin stopped short at that. Silence had settled over the crowd since Kevin had resumed his speech but this was a different kind of silence. They waited with bated breaths as Kevin took a shaky breath of his own to compose himself. 

“At Evermore, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, and more bruises than I could count.I came to you on my knees, begging for your protection. Exy was all I’d ever had. It was the only thing keeping me alive. Nicky and Aaron weren’t going to stick around forever, so I offered it to you too. You took it and in exchange, you gave me more than I’d ever dreamt of having. All I had wanted was to live one day, just one day away from Riko. I wanted to breathe for just one minute without the weight of a knife pressed against my throat. But with you? With you I had friends. I had a family. With you, I had a home. 

“Everyone said that you were empty. Everyone was wrong. When I looked into your eyes, I saw… I saw the world. You are so much more than anyone could have ever imagined. You are fire. You are fury. You are the only man that saw me as I was and didn’t back down. Andrew Minyard, you are my best friend in the entire world and I love you more than you could possibly imagine. You gave me a home, not just in your house, but in your heart too. You are the only man that I’d ever want marrying my brother.” Kevin was crying too hard to go any further. Most of the reception was too. 

“Fuck you, Day,” Andrew said as he stood up. He walked over and embraced Kevin. Neil got up and joined them too. Kevin was still teary eyed when the three of them broke apart. Kevin wiped his tears away and smiled at his boys. 

“You know, I think it’s time for the first dance,” he said. With that, he dragged Neil and Andrew out to the dance floor. Leaving them there, he sauntered over to the stage and grabbed the microphone. Both of them frowned at him as they watched him talk to the band. Suddenly the music started up and their jaws dropped. 

“Oh my God, Kevin,” Neil whispered. He covered his face in a sordid attempt to conceal his smile. 

“I like that your broken, broken like me. Maybe that makes me a fool” Kevin sang, his smile wide. “I like that you’re lonely, lonely like me. I could be lonely with you.” Andrew groaned and tried to walk away but Neil caught his arm. He tugged lightly at it and Andrew drifted back towards him. 

“Yes or no?” Neil asked. 

“Yes, Junkie,” Andrew replied, with mock exasperation. Neil wound his arms around Andrew’s neck and the two of them swayed along to the music. For a few blissful minutes, it was just the two of them alone together in their own little world. Neil almost believed that everything was going to be alright. Almost.

\---

“Three days,” Aaron said as he sat beside Neil. 

“What?” Neil asked, prying his eyes off Andrew who’d let himself get dragged out to dance with Nicky. It wasn’t something Neil had seen since college.

“I give him three days. Tops.” Aaron’s voice dragged Neil’s attention back to the matter at hand as he knocked back another shot. Neil’s voice failed him once, twice. 

“You can’t be serious,” he finally managed. 

“There was a time when seeing you suffer might have sparked some semblance of joy in me, but that time is long gone, Neil. Andrew isn’t going to live through the honeymoon. I can feel it.” Aaron’s gaze tracked Andrew despite the ever-churning mass of bodies swaying on the dance floor. 

“Twin sense?” Neil offered meekly. 

“Twin sense,” Aaron replied. His voice was cold and detached, as if he was discussing the weather instead of his brother’s impending death. “I’m sorry, Neil,” he said. Neil didn’t know he was crying until he felt Aaron brush the tears from his cheeks. “Don’t cry. You’ll ruin Andrew’s day.” Neil nodded dumbly. He screwed his eyes shut, trying to will his tears away. 

“I’m not ready,” he whispered. 

“Neither am I,” Aaron said. The pair of them let the music fill the silence. “Neil?” Neil felt the weight of Aaron’s gaze on him and turned. “Thanks.”

“For what?” Neil asked. 

“Everything?” Aaron bit his lower lip, his brow furrowing. Neil reached out and rubbed at the little crease that formed between them. Aaron swatted his hand away but he smiled now. “You know, I’d never seen Andrew smile before you. I didn’t even think he could.” Aaron loosed a breathy laugh. Silence settled over the pair of them. “Our mother named me for an angel and Andrew a saint,” Aaron said. “St. Micheal the Archangel, patron of police, soldiers, and doctors. St. Joseph of Arimathea, patron of fathers, unborn children, immigrants, and happy deaths.” Aaron’s gaze softened. “Give him a good one, Neil.” Neil could only nod. Aaron rested his head on Neil’s shoulder. The two of them waited for Andrew to return in silence.

In the days leading up to Andrew’s death, Neil worshiped him like never before. He pressed kisses to every inch of Andrew’s skin and professed his love for him almost constantly. He spent hours on end, tangled up with him on the couch just basking in his husband’s love. On the last night, Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew and pulled him close. 

“You’re no saint, Joseph Minyard. You’re a fucking, God,” he whispered. He kissed Andrew soundly on the mouth to stop any protests he might have tried to offer. Neil woke the next morning clutching the cold corpse of his beloved husband. Andrew might have been the one that died, but it was Neil that felt lifeless.


	11. You now desert me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Andrew is a smol, sad bastard ft. Andreil so soft that it made Aaron cry.

Aaron found Neil’s shoes before he found the man himself. They’d been kicked off and discarded in the grass. A few feet away, Aaron saw Neil’s socks balled up in the grass. He stooped to pick them up as he passed. Rounding the corner, he caught sight of Neil’s crumpled suit jacket and tie. 

“Lila and Leena pick up better than this,” he muttered to himself. He picked them up too. Aaron swept his gaze across the lot, latching onto the auburn curls peeking out from behind a bush. Making his way over, Aaron felt an ache in his chest at the sight of Neil’s sagging shoulders. As he neared, he saw that Neil was sitting with his feet in the koi pond, the fish nipping at his toes. With a sigh, Aaron sat down beside him, facing the opposite direction. He felt the weight of Neil’s head on his shoulder and wrapped an arm around him instinctively. 

It was a beautiful day, mocking the somber occasion. Smoke burned at Aaron’s nostrils. From where they sat, Aaron could see the source of it. He sat there, watching the smoke rise from the crematorium where his brother’s body was burning.

Inhaling the acrid smoke as he turned to look at Neil, the memories hit Aaron like a bus. It was Halloween and the Monsters had returned from Eden’s only a few hours ago. Late that night, or maybe early the next morning, Aaron had made his way downstairs, swaying drunkenly on his feet. Shucking his shirt and shorts off, he headed for the pool in the backyard. As he slid the back door open, he saw his own form sitting at the edge of the pool.  _ Andrew,  _ he realized. What his brother was doing out here so late at night Aaron didn’t know. So, he asked. 

“What’s new, Drew?” he asked as he collapsed beside him, facing the opposite direction. A bright smile sprung across Aaron’s face at his own clever little rhyme. It faded quickly upon seeing his brother up close. The soft blue light from the pool cast shadows across his face but the dark circles beneath Andrew’s eyes were more than shadows. While his brother may have mastered the art of faking his emptiness, there was something eerie about the way he looked now.  _ He isn’t faking it,  _ Aaron realized. The revelation sobered him up instantly. He sat up straight, studying his brother’s features. There was something hollow and haunted in the way he gazed out at nothing in particular. A lit cigarette burned between his fingers but he didn’t take a drag.

“Yes or no,” Andrew asked. His voice was quiet, barely even there. From observation, Aaron knew it was what Andrew asked when he required physical affection. 

“Yes,” Aaron replied. He felt his brother’s head fall onto his shoulder. Raising an arm in a silent question, he waited for Andrew’s reply. After a beat, Andrew reached out and wrapped Aaron’s offered arm around his shoulders. Aaron wove his fingers through his brother’s hair and felt him tense. Slowly but surely, Andrew relaxed against him. Neither of them said a word until the first rays of sunshine peeked out over the horizon. 

“Kevin,” Andrew croaked. “I miss Kevin.” It took Aaron several minutes to process Andrew’s words. It took him three tries to find his voice and all he could muster was a simple ‘Oh’. 

While Kevin and Andrew had made arrangements to help Neil cope with his graduation, they’d completely neglected to consider the consequences of his departure on Andrew. It had blindsided them all. Everyone had known that beneath their constant squabbling, they still cared immensely for one another but no one could have predicted Andrew’s violent grief at being left behind. 

Kevin hadn’t even moved that far away. He was exactly six hours and thirty-seven minutes away. That was too far for Andrew. After spending nearly every waking moment at Kevin’s side, Andrew no longer knew who he was without him. Much of his aggression had manifested on the court. 

The new striker line had been brought in to replace Kevin. They’d been brought in to replace his best friend. Every part of Andrew rebelled against it. At every practice, the freshman striker line arrived quaking at the very thought of facing the monster in the goal. Not a single shot got past him. Nicky and Aaron had originally mistaken Andrew’s ruthless goalkeeping as a sudden interest in the sport but neither Neil nor Wymack had been fooled for even a second. They’d known the cause of Andrew’s anguish from the start but to know that he was now ready to admit it amazed them. Andrew’s newfound willingness to express his emotions was a welcome surprise to them both.

Unfortunately, his willingness ended there. Andrew seemed more than happy to continue wallowing in his own sorrow, allowing Neil to be his only respite. One morning, the coffee machine in Aaron’s room broke so he ventured over to borrow his brother’s. From his place in the kitchen, Aaron had a clear view of his brother lazing in a beanbag, Neil kneeling before him. Aaron’s heart ached at the way his brother’s gaze morphed from bitter emptiness to undying adoration as they lit upon Neil’s kind smile. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Andrew caress Neil’s scarred cheek with the back of his hand. Neil caught his wrist and turned it so he could press a kiss to Andrew’s palm. Aaron heard his brother muttering something that sounded suspiciously like 412% before dragging Neil into his lap. On his way out, Aaron heard the soft rumbling of his brother’s laugh and had to blink away whatever it was that had gotten into his eyes that made them water so much. 

When Kevin left, Neil had been there to piece Andrew back together the same way Andrew had done for him after Baltimore. Now that Andrew had left, who was going to piece Neil back together? Seeing Neil now, Aaron felt his gut wrench. 

“Neil?” he whispered. 

“Don’t. Just don’t.” Neil’s voice quavered, brimming with emotion. Picking his head off Aaron’s shoulder, he looked him straight on. Aaron felt his throat closing at the sight of Neil. His ice-blue eyes had melted, a thin sheen of tears coating his eyes. “Aaron…” He stopped and screwed his eyes shut. Shaking his head, the tears trailed down his face. “I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” 

“I can’t look at you.” The words felt like a punch to the stomach. A part of Aaron had known that it was inevitable. Neil may have been the only person capable of telling the twins apart with perfect accuracy but they still looked the same. To Neil, Aaron was a cheap imitation of his brother, on a physical level at least. Maybe that was what made it so hard for Neil to look at him. There was a beauty in Andrew that only Neil seemed capable of perceiving, one that Aaron lacked. Deep down, Aaron knew Neil would never be able to look at him the same way again. From now until the day he died, Aaron's face would be a cruel reminder of the man Neil had lost, mocked incessantly by the slight discrepancies between them. 

"I understand," he said. Standing up, Aaron gathered the clothes Neil had thrown across the lawn. He’d have to drop them off at the dry cleaners and ask someone to deliver them to Neil for him. For a minute he considered saying something. But what?  _ I’m sorry? _ Andrew’s death hadn’t been his fault.  _ It’s alright? _ It wasn’t. Nothing was alright. Glancing at Neil once more, Aaron felt wretched. Eighteen years he’d known Neil and he still couldn’t think of anything to say. 

Aaron finally gave up and left without another word. Maybe it was better that way. He didn’t trust himself to say anything more. As the lump in his throat grew, clouds gathered overhead. Raindrops fell from the clouds and rolled down Aaron’s face. Strangely, some of them tasted of salt. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry <3


End file.
